I fail to establish an identity of my own, choosing instead to constantly adapt myself to the people around me. I act differently, talk differently, look differently, depending on who I’m interacting with. The dilemna in this situation is that I am not sure who I really am. I am not sure about what to keep constant about myself. Yes, we must learn to adjust to the people around us because we cannot always have our way all the time, but what if you’re like me, and you’re always the one adjusting? If you’re always the one who changes? If you don’t even know if anyone truly knows who you are?
I say things about living life to the fullest, about being the best that I am. But that is the problem. I do not know who I am. I know what I am not, thankfully enough. But other than my passions, my interests, my idiosyncrasies, my pet peeves, and those in-betweens, I do not really have an idea as to who I am. I have this vague silhouette of who I think I may be, but it’s always borderline. I always sway to the actions and personalities of who I am with.
I just wish that I knew who I was, and that there was something more permanent about me. That would be really nice. I hate feeling like a shapeshifter, like someone who was perceived radically differently by different people. It’s just that there are times when I feel that I know my family and my friends more than I know myself. I listen to their problems, stories, rants, random musings, and from those bits of information I’ve constructed an image of each of them. And I envy them for that because I know that they know that. They know who they truly are. I’m sorry if this is really selfish, but I just want something like that, something reassuring , to tell me where I am, to get my bearings, personality-wise.
“Know thyself.” Inscribed at the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo. I feel like I’m not living up to that. I mean, I am a Philosophy major. I should have thought this through enough to know myself well already. and yet, 16 years into my life, and I still haven’t established a solid identity.
I know I’m rambling on and on about myself but I just feel really bad about this. I’m sorry for being this way.
I’m just going to have to tell myself to see what’s going to happen next.